“Compassion is the wish to see others free from suffering.” Dalai Lama
Why do people feel the need to compare grief? Grief is often referred to as love that has nowhere to go (a phrase attributed to the writer Jamie Anderson). The person isn’t there anymore, so there is a space. Everyone who knew that person has a space but only those deemed to have the biggest space get to grieve the loudest. Everyone else’s grief gets pushed to the corners, the outer circle of the grief sphere. God knows it is cold out there on the periphery of other peoples thoughts when somebody dies.
There’s something about grief that wants you to feel considered by others, for others to validate your grief in someway. To acknowledge how bad you feel and hoping that they’ll say just the right thing to make you feel less numb inside.
It is hard when others seem to empathise with you, but also tell you that they feel more sorry for your other relative, or someone else whose grief is viewed as greater and more valid than yours. In those early days of grief when you want to feel the compassion of others the most and you don’t quite get it, it can be humbling as you realise that people don’t care as much about your grief as you do.
The periphery of the grief space is the space where “normal” conversation resumes. This is where all of the things that people may want to ask or say get directed at you. Whilst condolences and sympathy penetrate the inner circle of the grief bubble, further out on the edge of the grief sphere there are no such protections. This is a space where you have to navigate your own grief and the grief of others as well as their inappropriate but probably well meaning comments.
If we look at grief through the lens of love that has nowhere to go, then to compare someones grief with another can feel like the person is questioning your love for the person that died. It’s almost like they didn’t see your love for the person when they were alive, so your grief means nothing much. It’s almost invisible. This is what grief comparison does, it makes you feel unseen at a time when you want to been seen the most.
Grief is experienced in both public and private and comparing ones grief to another can reduce the space the grieving person feels they have to grieve properly. Whilst nobody needs permission to grieve from anyone else, if we are feeling a shared loss, our role is not to make anyone feel like their grief is irrelevant in the face of another.
So why not let the comparisons go and extend the hand of compassion. Time for I see you and I’m here for you, not I see you but I see the other person more. Grief is a road we may all walk down at some point in our lives. So as we learn to live with it, lets do it together with more love.
By Tara James
